MY RESPONSE TO THE NATIONAL COUNCIL FOR ADOPTION

As an adult adoptee, I find it exhausting to read the February 2009 Adoption Advocate (National Council for Adoption Newsletter) and feel violated for having done so. In 2006, I had the privilege of finding and meeting my biological mother who assured me that she was not promised anonymity or confidentiality at any time. It was also her desire to have the first meeting. Having said that, she disclosed that the only thing that was “promised” to her is that the adoption was final . She was told that she “better leave well enough alone and never go looking.” My only regret about the reunion is that I didn’t locate her sooner because the information that I learned was invaluable. My biological father and his only sibling had both committed suicide and my biological mother suffered from a genetic mental illness. This information was not in my non-identifying information because when she was 22 years old, she had no diagnosis or any health problems at that time. Her sisters, parents and grandparents were still alive and relatively well. Fast forward, 31 years and her father had died of a massive stroke and her mother was deceased and had Alzheimer’s Disease. All relevant information to me and my children. It would have helped to have had some information when my oldest child started having psychological problems, but I had not yet located my “roots”. Now, my oldest is in a long-term residential facility getting the help she deserves and would have had sooner if I would have had adequate and updated medical history.

I am very skeptical of any organization that hides in the shadows and smoke screens of “helping” adoptees and birthparents while sending out a newsletter that misrepresents the truths about adoption. Why not update on the positive aspects of the organization? One must question anyone who continuously pushes propaganda that downplays and otherwise denies an ADULT human being’s “desire” for information regarding their genealogical heritage. One must be suspicious of an organization that openly acts to prevent the exchange of updated information of any kind between ADULT biological relatives. Last, but definitely not least, is my concern for organizations that continue to pursue political action to govern the potential relationships between ADULTS under the “cloak“ of protection. The idea that individuals need “protection” from the very fruit of their loins is preposterous and demeaning. Yet, I read through the entire newsletter while chewing up Tums like candy. I had to in order to stomach the nonsensical ramblings that were very much the same points made by NCFA’s decrepit and delirious leader at a legislative study on adoption (NC in 2007). I find it comical that while most organization's have a mission statement, the National Council for Adoption has a Mission, AGENDA and Programs page.

When I go out to the Evan B. Donaldson website I see pages like POLICY, RESEARCH, EDUCATION, PROGRAMS AND PROJECTS. On the home page, I see "OUR MISSION" and "OUR WORK". No where on the website do I see an 'AGENDA'. Doesn't that just say it all.

HONORING SPECIAL NC WOMEN IN ADOPTION


LOUISE ANGLIN, ADULT ADOPTEE

I was introduced to her at a Children's Home Society luncheon where she had come to hear about the new law. She was excited to hear that she may have an opportunity to learn about the woman who gave birth to her in Nashville, Tennessee on May 30, 1924. Unfortunately, her smiles and excitement quickly turned to sadness and weeping when the explanation about deceased biological parents was given. It's a drawback to the CI program. If a birth parent is found deceased, GAME OVER. The name cannot be released and contact with living relatives cannot be pursued. Thankfully, we are working to change that and our study commission agrees that adult adoptees have the right to know and pursue other relatives.

I've been researching for Louise since that CHS luncheon in 2007. I've kept her informed on research in counties that I feel are pertinent to her search. But as her 84th birthday is quickly approaching, I decided that time was of the essence and formulated a court petition specifically for her.

Louise is the oldest adoptee that I have worked with and while her body may appear fragile, her mind is sharp and she has the spirit of a warrior!


MARGARET HIGHSMITH-DICKSON- DEMOCRAT, HOUSE OF REPS. (CUMBERLAND COUNTY)

I call her the "politician with a heart". Margaret Dickson has supported the adoption reform movement here in NC from the beginning. She was a sponsor for HB445 and is chair for the current study commission on adult adoptee access to original birth certificates. Margaret has no direct ties to adoption, but has been one of our greatest allies in the fight for open records. She has a wonderful presence in the General Assembly; one that is powerful, confident and intelligent, while at the same time warm, fair and friendly. That's a rare set of qualities and one that can't be beat!

Hats off to "my girl" in Fayetteville! I may be a Wake County resident, but I'd support Mrs. Dickson's campaign any day!


EDITH VOTTA, DIRECTOR-POST ADOPTION SERVICES, CHILDREN'S HOME SOCIETY OF NC

The Children's Home Society of NC continues to support adult adoptees right to have access to their original birth certificate. They send their "spokeswoman", Edith Votta, to the study commission meetings to speak on behalf of the adoption triad. While Edith does not have the official "spokeswoman" title, I've given it to her. She is such an excellent speaker and the perfect person to tell just how well the CI program is working. She delivers poignant testimony that reunions are not disastrous and traumatizing events as NCFA and NCFP would like everyone to believe. She has stated that CHS has never had anything negative happen thus far as a result of court ordered contact (which they have been doing for years) or as a result of the Confidential Intermediary Program. I think Adult adoptee, Mary Sheppard, said it best: "If you're not going to believe Children's Home Society, then who are you going to believe?" THANKS to Edith Votta for continuing to speak the truth.


ROBERTA MACDONALD, CHAIRWOMAN, NC COALITION FOR ADOPTION REFORM

Many of you may not know that Roberta MacDonald has "no dog in the fight" for access to original birth certificates in NC. Roberta is a New Jersey adoptee, but is passionate about adoptee rights throughout the enitre country. That is why she has dedicated her time, effort, energy and money to fight for change here in NC, the state the she currently lives in. Roberta has traveled throughout the entire state to spread the word about adult adoptee rights. She attends and helps with support groups around the state and hosts many other adoption related events! She is a wonderful spokeswoman and motivational speaker. Her passion for the "cause" is unbelievable and immeasurable! Her organization introduced the bill that eventually became law! I'm honored to have Roberta standing up for my rights as an adult adoptee! THANKS FOR HOUSE BILL 445!

North Carolina's Confidential Intermediary Program

Some adoptees are singing the praises of HB445, the law that allows for licensed adoption agencies to act as intermediaries between adult adoptees and their biological parents. Since NC has been a closed record state since 1949 even the slightest hint of openess is a breath of fresh air for many.

While some agencies are charging several hundred dollars for the service, the general consensus is that adoptees are happy to pay for the opportunity. "It's a far cry from the thousands of dollars Kinsolving quoted me just last year" said one adoptee. He was happy to pay his $350 and has recently been reunited with his birth mother.

Unfortunately, not all adoption agencies are offering the CI service. Personally, I think that if a law is passed then an individual or group should not have the say as to whether or not they are going to participate. It's the law- ABIDE by it.

Keep in mind, that North Carolina's CI program deals with obtaining updated medical history and the reunion of adult adoptee's and their biological parents. It does not address the issue of an adoptee's right to their original birth certificate; the piece of paper that documents their birth- not their adoption. Adoptees are the only class of citizens that have a falsified birth certificate- one where even the location of birth is changed. OK- well, the individuals in the Witness Protection Program have falsified records. But hey, they chose that life. We, on the other hand, did not.

A LITTLE ADOPTEE HUMOR

I had the honor and privledge to spend the day with an adoptee born in 1933. It's always good to spend time with members of the triad, but I am especially interested in spending time with my elders that were also adopted. Even though we had plenty of work to do, we did have time to share our adoption stories and experiences. As always, I learned that everybody has one or many stories to tell and tears always accompany them.

During our chat, this adoptee says to me in jest, "I've always felt like there should be a trust set up by the birth parents at relinquishment for the life-long psychiatric care of their {adopted} children." She smiles and laughs after she says it. I did too.

Joanna Freitag

The Mystery of Unwed Motherhood in Granville and Surrounding Counties during the Early 1900'S

I am working on a case of an adoptee born in 1924 where the birth mother has ties to the Oxford Orphanage in Oxford, NC (Granville County). In researching the area, the town and the orphanage in general, I've made quite a discovery. I won't say that it's a surprising one because nothing about adoption in NC surprises me. My research has prompted me to look for the sibling of this adoptee born anywhere between November 1926 and February 1927. While setting out on this great adventure (that should be relatively easy), I realized that unwed Caucasian women did not give birth in Granville County in the early 1900's. Since my research has taken me to the majority of counties in NC where women of all races, ages, and backgrounds have given birth to children out-of-wedlock, I find this particularly peculiar; maybe even a little frightening. A handful of single African American women indeed gave birth in Granville County. But again, no Caucasian women! So I set out for the next county over thinking that maybe they hid them there. Vance County was my next stop and oddly enough, I found only two out-of-wedlock Caucasian births within a four month time period. I must admit that research in Franklin County left me with more questions than answers. There were a few single African American women who gave birth, but there were children by the dozens with no parents' names at all! The childs name and date of birth was all the information there was and there were literally dozens of them! Had I found it? You know, the place where 'those women' were forced to go when they found themselves in 'trouble'. Was Franklin County the nearby place where the Caucasian women were sent to have their babies? The baby they 'better not come home with'? I'm not sure, but I aim to find out.

Joanna Freitag

REUNION PENDING

A couple of people that I have helped complete their searches have, what I like to call, "pending reunions". That is, initial contact has been made by a phone call or letter and they are waiting on that first meeting. Some are waiting with baited breath and others are losing patience. Some have been waiting for several weeks and some many months or half a year. "Pending reunions" are a form of relationship purgatory. We have yet to enter heaven, but hell is not too far from a reality. Waiting for anything can be difficult if you don't have the right mind set. Waiting to meet the person to whom you gave birth to or to whom birthed you and haven't seen since is, well, to be honest, hell.

I only had to wait a week for my birth mom's first letter to arrive after my initial contact, but I must admit that it was one of the longer weeks of my life. Every day was hard to get through. I sent my first letter vis UPS so that I could track it and get a signature. I wanted to know that she was the one that received it. Talk about a well-thought out plan! I didn't plan on being such a basket case while I waited for her response. It started to dawn on me that I might not get a response and if I did get a response, it might not be the one I had hoped for. A doubting mind can be a terrible thing. Thankfully, her response was timely, positive and full of the nuggets that I had longed for- pictures!!!

What I can tell you about "reunion pending" is to keep your mind on the positive. Nothing good ever came from intrusive and persistent negative thoughts. Try to keep your mind channeled in a positive direction and stay busy during your waiting period in "purgatory". Know that your time is coming. Know that your answers are coming; whatever they may be.

Joanna Freitag

MY CHRISTMAS MIRACLE

My apologies for going months without a post. It's been an incredibly hectic time in my life as wife, mother of two, daughter of two families, friend to many, acquaintance to more, and so on and so forth. You all know the routine. You're living the same life if not a busier life than I. So, I guess I'll share my Christmas miracle though I know it's a little late. It's never too late to share GOOD NEWS, right???

First, I should probably preface this story that the only relationship that I have with the family that raised me is with my adoptive father. I do not have a relationship with my adoptive mother or brother. My father and I keep in touch via phone and short visits. (Phone calls are less than 10 minutes at a time and visits no longer than 30 minutes). On Christmas morning, he stopped by for one of those visits. Since this was a surprise visit, I was a little worried because I was also expecting my birth mother whom he had never met before (though he did know that I knew her). Quite frankly, I wasn't sure that they would ever meet nor did I know if I wanted them to.

We were visitng for about 10 minutes, when she pulled up. "WELL, HERE WE GO", I thought to myself! This should be interesting at the least. I told him who had just arrived and he asked if he should leave. I responded "Why in the world would you want to do that?"

I went outside to greet my birth mother and told her who was inside. She smiled and jokingly said that she forgot to bring her Valium with her. She came inside and I introduced them. It was awkward for everyone at first. She then dipped off to the restroom as it was a long drive. When she came out, she moved towards my father, reaching for his hand with one of her hands. WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? Her other hand reached for his neck. Her voice began to tremble. "I never thought I would meet that man that raised my baby. I just want to thank you for taking care of her when I couldn't." She was full throttle with tears of angst, relief, gratitude and love. Now they were embracing. Tears filled my father's eyes (and mine too). Holding on to him, she explained that she had never dreamed that she would see me again or be a part of my life and how grateful she was for the opportunity; that knowing me had brought her so much peace and happiness. We were all hugging and crying now, expressing our love and gratitude for the opportunity of this great moment as best we could. My father, not use to this type of display of emotion or any emotion for that matter, tried to talk, but couldn't get the words out of his mouth. His tears building as he tried to reach for the door, probably to run away, so she hugged him tighter.